Sometimes the bottom falls out of our lives. People leave us. Precious certainties are yanked away. We lose our health, our money, our gifts, our faith, our familiar surroundings, our trust. All the truths that we thought we could believe in forever suddenly depart us with no warning. The ground that we always knew was solid under our feet turns out to have been nothing but a trap door all along. (And then there’s another trap door under that one.) We disappoint ourselves. We are disappointed by others. We get dead lost. We are no longer recognizable to ourselves when we look in the mirror. It all falls to ruin.
And that, my friends, is when things start to get really interesting.
This is the chapter of life that Joseph Campbell called “The Dark Night of the Soul” — and it’s a necessary step in every hero’s journey. It’s also the hardest thing in the world. Nobody ever chooses to stand in this place; it just happens to you. And you will often see later that it needed to happen to you, if you were to ever become more than a mere passenger on Earth. Because this dark place is where you must decide whether to die or live. You cannot go back to what you knew, because what you knew is a pile of smoking rubble. You cannot stay where you are, because where you are is a bleak shroud of despair. You can only move forward into the absolute unknown. And the only way to move forward is to change."
I know what it’s like to intellectually know that what you’re doing is unhealthy, and to know that theoretically, it could all be solved quite easily. But then you look in the mirror and break down in tears, because you can’t stand how repugnant you are.
Knowing something to be true intellectually is very different from knowing it in your heart and feeling it to be true. You might know that you should forgive yourself, learn to accept yourself, and love yourself, but until you feel it deep within, nothing will change."
Hi! Oh I am so glad you noticed that quote! I typed it out specifically because I found it to be so true! It’s from this great book I am reading atm called “Eating in the light of the moon” it’s about how women can transform their relationships with food through myths, metaphors and storytelling. It is RIGHT up my alley! :) Anyway, I can’t tell you for sure what your weight gain is about but more often that not, there is something psychological going on! People who struggle with disordered eating tend to be more afraid of their feelings than most so they use food as a way to cope and focus on their bodies as the problem.
There is this other passage in it I just read that kind of relates to what you’re asking…I’ll type it out for you…
"Think of the ‘fat attack’. Anyone who has struggled with disordered eating is familiar with fat attacks. A fat attack occurs when you all of a sudden feel extremely fat, as though you’ve just gained 20 pounds overnight. You know, rationally, that you did not actually gain 20 pounds overnight but it sure feels that way. Yesterday you might not have felt terrific, but you felt okay. Today you feel horribly fat. What’s going on?
When you are having a fat attack, this is a signal that something else is going on that’s upsetting you. Maybe you are angry at something your mother said, maybe you are nervous about an upcoming date, maybe you are feeling frustrated with a supervisor at work, maybe you are feeling bad about something you said to a friend. If these are things you don’t quite know how to handle comfortably, you may begin to focus intensely on your fat and the original problem will appear to fade into the background. As bad as it feels to see yourself as fat, at least you know what the solution is: lose weight.
A fat attack is different from generally feeling bad about your weight. It comes on rather suddenly and is very intense. It is not based on reality, even though the feelings that it generates are very real. It seems like the source of your misery, but like the starlight in dewdrops, it is only a reflection of something else that is troubling you.”
Hahahaha you’re cute! I am a girl ;) xxxxx
HI! :) Thanks so much for the lovely message!
I am sorry to hear you are struggling so much at the moment! However I am really glad to hear that you are considering facing your pain. Follow your your gut, if you feel something tugging on your insides, it’s probably wise to listen up! I have definitely got through/am getting through by facing things head on. I am from the party that believes acknowledging our problems is the only way to work through them. Ignoring them or avoiding them and attempting to “move on and forget it” never works. Short term, maybe. Long term, not so much! It always comes back to bite you and the longer you avoid it, the bigger it grows & the more difficult dealing with it becomes.
This isn’t to say facing it head on is going to be easy. Sometimes it feels as impossible as climbing a rainbow. But, there have been situations i’ve had to face that I thought would kill me…and I’m still here. So it is possible. You just need to find yourself a really good support system. Having people you trust is so so so vital. You don’t have to go through anything alone. Let people in, allow them to be there to pick you up when you fall, to give you a hug when your heart is breaking or to make you laugh when you can’t cry another tear. I am telling you now, the people you surround yourself with make the world of difference.
Don’t attempt to deal with this alone, people care and will be there for you if you let them.
Wishing you the best of luck and sending you so much strength. Not that you need it, all the strength you need is already inside you! :) xxxxxxx